Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize