Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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