so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
