And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
