Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
