"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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