checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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