The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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