You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize