hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
