Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
