No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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