A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
