I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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