im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
