between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
