I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
last night I used snow as a chaser
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
