just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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