Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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