There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
