i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
