omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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