ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
