I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
