You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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