so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
