ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
