Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
