what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
