well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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