on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
