I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
