btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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