I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
