she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
