I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
