Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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