I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
