remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
