Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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