Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
