checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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