so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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