I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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