In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
