I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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