you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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