I think I am morally bankrupt
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
