I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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