Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
