my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
it glows. i had to have it.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
