fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Randomize
