It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
