Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
