The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
