your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
