hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
