I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
don't judge my taste in strippers
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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