Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
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