My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
