I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
